How Women Rise, Part II

I read How Women Rise by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith two years ago.  It's interesting to see the shift and changes in my behavior and outlook reading the book again.

My mission statement from two years ago was about making teams become more efficient by developing processes that drive results.

My mission statement today focuses on the same theme, but includes change management, especially given my last year with my company: Drive and operationalize change to create a collaborative, transparent and process driven culture.

Now, particularly going through the Leadership Development Program, I get the importance of self-promotion, leveraging v building relationships.

I am one of those women who is too hard on herself, but it is ebbing away.  I feel the need to always know the details, to be on top of everything and need to realize it's ok to not know.  To pause and take a breath before answering a question or responding to a statement.

Part of the need to be perfect ties into my habit of passing judgment, feeling the need to impose my standard on others.  Passing judgment only negatively impacts me, magnifying my own self-criticism or inner critic.

When dealing with my team members, I need to let things unfold instead of jumping in to provide guidance.  I know my team members' strengths and flaws and need to accept their flaws.  

Now, the 12 habits holding women back:

Habit 1: Reluctance to Claim Accomplishments
Not wanting to seem like a blowhard is the inner critic/either-or mentality.  Ability to gain recognition/call out achievements is a Playing Big exercise.  You don't get anywhere without being bold.

I have improved over the years but will continue to work on this.  Not just claiming accomplishments, but recognizing how big the accomplishments are & that not everyone can achieve what I have achieved throughout my positions and career.  The Art of Self-Promotion.

When someone gives me a complement, I should accept it while highlighting my skills and experience.  I need to be clear on the value that I add (ability to drive change, breaking massive initiatives down into manageable pieces, leading teams to focus & achieve objectives). 

Habit 2: Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice and Reward Your Contribution
I should not let myself off the hook for not advocating for myself.  Being modest does not make me a more moral or superior person.  Like a product, I need to market and sell myself.  Throughout the day, during meetings, I should think, how do I get myself noticed?

Habit 3: Overvaluing Expertise
Focusing on being an expert at my current job is a great way to keep me at my current job... I should do my job well enough while focusing on building visibility and relationships.  Top jobs always require managing and leading people who are experts.  A leader's job is not to provide expertise but to manage and lead the experts.  As we move higher, having answers is less important than relationships.

Habit 4: Building Rather Than Leveraging Relationships
I GET this now...  This did not resonate with me when I read How Women Rise two years ago.  My self-interest is a worthy goal and engaging in leverage is a win-win situation.

A habit of Geoff's that I noticed is his tendency to look people up on LinkedIn.  Now, I find myself doing this as well.  It's a helpful way to understand someone's background to determine how to build a relationship that I can then leverage.

Habit 5: Failing to Enlist Allies From Day 1
Before beginning a project/initiative/job, I should think about and focus on who do I need to connect with to make this project/initiative/job a success?  I should identify five people who will be helpful in my role and career, and build (I mean, leverage...!) relationships with them.   

Habit 6: Putting Job Before Career
Managing a team superbly shows great management skills.  I should focus on promotional skills, getting recognition from the larger organization.  Extend external relationships in a way that servers the larger organization.  How does my disdain for politicking serve me?  It doesn't...

Habit 7: The Perfection Trap
This trap results on me being too hard on myself.  It prevents risk-taking, which is essential for an organization (and me) to grow.  At home, if I make it a habit to help Mia when she's trying something new, it takes away the opportunity for her to learn and grow.

Habit 8: The Disease To Please
I have worked on this throughout my 30s and am still a people-pleaser... I have become more comfortable letting go of this, but still have more to work on here.  Mostly, it's ok to not know the answer.  To pause and think and admit if I don't know something.

Habit 9: Minimizing
My worst habit is verbal minimizing - ending a sentence on a rising note.  Drifting off and not finishing a sentence.  This makes me sound uncertain and a good way for me NOT to be heard.  I need to finish a sentence firm, as a statement.

I need to practice my tone of voice - no uplifting, sounding and being decisive.  A good way to do this is to be fully present. To take a breath.  To learn the ability to rest and hold my space.

Habit 10: Too Much
Feeling and identifying emotions gives you power.  Reacting to what you are feeling squanders it...  I need to focus on being confident, measured and authentic.  When I notice that I am rambling (too many words!), I need to pause and take a breath. And go back to be fewer words, being concise.

I should talk about my ideas without getting distracted by the tactical elements.

Habit 11: Ruminating
I put too much energy into re-writing events.  I have gotten infinitely better about this and not caring as much when I make a mistake.  Ruminating is counterproductive for two reasons: 1) it makes me feel worse and 2) gets in the way of resolving problems.

Similar to how I think about feedback, what happened in the part that I am rethinking has nothing to do with me.  Moving on is they key, similar to giving feedback: Stick & Move.

The book talks about the story of two monks who come across a distressed bride who needs to cross a stream but does not want to ruin her wedding dress.  One monk carries the bride across the stream, breaking the rule that monks are not allowed contact with females.  His fellow monk is agitated for the rest of the day, sharing the story with the other monks.  It is the monk who is agitated for the remainder of the day who is still carrying the woman.  The other monk, he has left the woman at the stream.

Habit 12: Letting Radar Distract You
A strength is my well-developed radar, being attuned to different people and personalities.  This works against me when I read too much into something.  I need to channel the right side of my brain and keep focus, demonstrate leadership presence. Have an opinion, and drive and influence the conversation, not get distracted.

Misc take-aways:
How Women Rise also talks about peer mentoring.  I need to take advantage of this and ask people to let me know if I am uptalking.  If I could have been more direct.  If I talked too fast.

I disagree with the author's stance that women should be role models for other women, that this is an additional burden for women.  The reality is that there are unconscious biases in the workplace and to give back is something worth the 'burden'.

Breathe

 

Slow down and take a breath:

Before answering a question
After someone has made a statement.
Between thoughts
When I feel myself rambling
After each bullet point when presenting

 
Let go of judgment.  It gets in the way and sucks up my time and headspace, keeps me stuck.  It magnifies my own self-judgment and inner critic.

Improvisation

"All problems with writing and performing come from fear. Fear of exposure, fear of weakness, fear of lack of talent, fear of looking like a fool for trying, for even thinking you could write in the first place. It's all fear. If we didn't have fear, imagine the creativity in the world. Fear holds us back every step of the way. A lot of studies say that despite all our fears in this country - death, war, guns, illness - our biggest fear is public speaking. What I am doing right now. And when people are asked to identify which kind of public speaking they are most afraid of, they check the improvisation box. So improvisation is the number-one fear in America. Forget a nuclear winter or an eight point nine earthquake or another Hitler. It's improve. Which is funny, because aren't we just improvising all day long? Isn't our whole life just one long improvisation? What are we scared of?"

Popponesset Beach, Cape Code

My beach vacation read at the Cape was Writers & Lovers by Lily King.  The book takes place in Cambridge and includes landmarks like Plough & Stars, Porter Square and other local haunts.

It's always fun reading about places I have been to & know well from my years living in Cambridge.  The above quote near the culmination of the story made me think about what I have been reading and working on for the Leadership Development Program - improvisation & inner critic fears.

Linked In Training: Strategic Thinking

LinkedIn module by Dorie Clark.

Strategic Thinking: Reevaluating new information and adapting accordingly.

-> Question assumptions - interrogate habits and practices in a targeted way
-> Observing - if too busy doing, not observing big picture, macro view of company
-> Reflecting - be present & sit with our thoughts

Transition to being a leader -> Stop being evaluated on whether you can implement a task or project but to conceptualize & make determinations on what employees should be spending time on.

Strategy is having a long-term vision with short term actions on how to get to the vision
   * Being clear and proactive in what we're going to do and what we are not going to do
   * Good strategy is about making choices

 

Strategic thinking considers:

   * Future: Monitor and recognize trends; think through how different options could play out

   * Past: Understand past and dig into they why, beyond the simplistic reasons
   * Assumptions: Avoid clinging to past assumptions

Implementing strategies:
   * Identify assets and allies
   * Consider constraints
   * Brainstorm objections, be prepared to address
   * Put together next steps
   * New information - Respond decisively: Do not need to change strategy instantly but respond to give more options long-term

Measure success -> for my OneNote page for Geoff & Josh, note what they are focused on & determine measurement of success

Making decisions, thinking strategically -> all muscles that need to be flexed

Playing Big by Tara Mohr, 2014

At the conclusion of Playing Big, Mohr talks about women who have taken her course and consider the ideas paradigm shift in how they approach their lives and careers.  From the first few chapters, this is exactly how I have felt.

I like how Mohr's approach focuses on what to do: listen to your inner mentor/gut, learn to recognize your inner critic who speaks in absolutes and about the future.  Instead of on the negative and what not to do, especially when that something (listening to my inner critic) is something that I've done for decades. 

When I think something is too big to implement or too big of a change, that is my inner critic.  When I hold back and don't share an experience because I don't think it's relevant or that people won't understand, that's my inner critic.  Part of this is tied to the "duality of identity" that I have struggled with all my life.  My inner critic cares too much about what other people think.

My inner mentor is part of something bigger, part of the 'Transition Team' that has the power to really affect outcomes and make an impact. 

Other topics covered in Thinking Big that were not already covered in previous posts:

Communicating with Power - The ones I want to focus on have to do with undermining structure:

• Speak in short sentences
  
• use periods and pause, instead of clause after clause and so on and so on...
• don't pile words on 
  
• will give me time to breath and stay centered while allowing listener time to absorb
• Don't disguise statements in form of a question
• does not sound like I have a point of view
• ideas, important points & astute observations are hidden

Other communication notes: instead of "Does this make sense?" which I use often... use "What do you think?"  (things I used to do was use words like "just" and "quick" until I read why they were not empowering, and a previous mentor had told me once that I uptalked, which I made a conscious effort not to do)

Let it Be Easy -  "I became motivated not by self-criticism or wanting to change how I was seen, but by tender friendship with myself and wanting to change how I felt."

 

Motivation based on compassion to myself instead of shame or guilt; 'gift goals' and not 'should goals'

Where we think we need self-discipline, we need more self-love.  Create this through routines and rituals that we set up to enable that changes we desire to happen naturally and with ease.  Turn gift goals into the default behavior. 

Hiding - Collecting and curating what everyone else has to say.  Over-relying on what other people say.  Omitting my own story.  Need to share my story (and accomplishments!) more.

As Monica shared with me from one of her friend's dad who was an executive when she was just starting out in consulting: No one in the room knows the answer.  People have different credentials and experiences, but are figuring things out just like everyone else.  I need to have an opinion and contribute to finding answers.

First of many Leaps.  Bean bags for my daughter.

Leaping - Similar to agile software

development, leaping is taking an iterative approach to things, throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.  Get feedback early. 

Leap criteria for thinking big is manageable, something that can be described in a short phrase, something started and completed in 1-2 weeks.

Calling - Don't underestimate the level of expertise that I do have.  Don't assume I need to be an expert to make a valuable contribution.  "cross-trainers" -> people who are experts in their fields (e.g. PM, processes, scalability) and apply that expertise/lends to a new field.

When reading about Leaping, Calling and Let it Be Easy, my thoughts focused on my personal life.  On the hobbies and crafts that I've let fall by the wayside, and my interest/calling in supporting the Chinese immigrant community. 

I've realized my calling since I was in my 20s and have volunteered and donated here and there, and am ready to make supporting and giving back to the community my default behavior

Playing Big: Influecing and Visibility

Playing Big talks about leaving good student habits behind.  It notes that students are praised for following authority versus challenging or influencing authority.

This makes me think of my daughter since I often tell her that it's important to listen to her teachers and elders.  I've changed that messaging to tell her that it's ok to ask questions or suggest something else, but in a respectful way and with good manners.

Beyond that, it's a good reminder for me that I should focus on influencing authority.  As a project manager, I am constantly influencing people.  I just need to elevate this behavior to the executive level.

Similar to thinking about feedback as data points about the person (versus something tied to me directly), thinking of self-promotion as visibility is transformative.  I have negative connotations when I think about self-promotion, but not about visibility.

"Speaking forthrightly about our accomplishments allows women to know our accomplishments and integrate them into our sense of self."  This ties into my epiphany after reviewing my StrengthsFinder results that my skills and value that I add are big deals & not just a bit above average.

Playing Big emphasizes taking risks and playing bigger v over-preparation; refocusing energy spent on preparation to improvisation.

I have noticed that attending meetings that I am not running opens me up to play bigger.  Instead of focusing on the meeting itself (keeping people on topic, time checks, etc), I have the space to think strategically and contribute ideas. 

As a project manager, I am often running meetings.  I need to learn to balance the tactical elements of effective meetings with improvisation.  A possible way to do this is to not share my screen as much since my focus becomes driving the meeting/my screen versus taking the space to think.

=============== Exercises =================

RELATING TO AUTHORITY

Old Skill: good at figuring out what each authority figure wanted and providing it

New Skill:

• challenge & influence authority figures
  
• find alternative authority figures aligned with your point of view
• become the authority

What I did:

Steered executive away from analyzing survey results for alternative solution (just as effective but less work)

What I Learned:

Instead of implementing what executive sponsors/decision makers want, I can and should go ahead with my own ideas, and not wait for someone else to sign off on

What I Want to Do with This Next:

Continue to act on this: that I should go ahead with my own ideas instead of asking permission/waiting for someone to validate them first

PREPARATION V IMPROVISATION

Old Skill: be prepared, ready with the answer for anything you might be asked

New Skill:

• brilliant careers require that we think on our feet
• get used to the idea that improvising is part of the job description
  

What I did:

For meetings that I run, focus on the agenda but loosen up and allow room for improvisation.  To allow for improvisation, I stopped sharing my screen when it was no longer necessary.  This small step made me feel more engaged as a participant v organizer.  When presenting, I'm not able to see other people in the meeting.  When I stopped sharing my screen, it took the focus away from the agenda and allowed me to become more engaged with the meeting.

Something else I will do: stop multitasking during team meetings and focus on contributing/improvisation instead...

What I Learned:

Not sharing my screen makes me more present in the meeting as a participant v organizer.  That going off agenda is ok, although I still focus on hitting the key points.  Going off agenda also allows me to strengthen relationships

What I Want to Do with This Next:

Share my screen when necessary in meetings (it does add value & keeps people focused) but then unshare when it's not needed.  And to stop multitasking during meetings & really focus my dedicated time instead of going through & responding to emails.

INSIDE OUT V OUTSIDE IN

Old Skill: look outside yourself for answers

New Skill:

• turn your focus inward and trust what you already know
• when instinct is to look outside yourself for an answer, take a few deep breaths, slow down, and look instead to see what ideas and insights are already in you
  

What I did:

As part of preparing for a Deep Dive for LDP program, had asked what I should focus on.  Realized though, that I was able to answer this myself by taking the time to look at reference materials and just think...

What I Learned:

Initial guidance is usually already out there (whether in emails, posted online in SP or through a google search), I just need to take the time to stop and put in the work to do the work/thinking myself

What I Want to Do with This Next:

When I have a question on how to do something/next steps, I should jot down the item in my notebook so that I can come back to it and spend some time thinking about it v taking the easy way out and asking someone

JUST DO GOOD WORK V DO GOOD WORK AND MAKE IT VISIBLE

Old Skill: work hard and perform well, get a good grade

New Skill:

• work hard, but make sure people know about your excellent performance
  
• find your way to own your accomplishments and talk about them gracefully
  

What I did:

Instead of sharing credit for a tracking spreadsheet & review process that I worked on when it was praised, I said thank you & reiterated the value/reason why I created the spreadsheet.

What I Learned:

I do not need to/should not share credit with someone who worked on a project with me, that it's not insincere or unctuous to do this.  When I do share credit, it takes away from my accomplishment and ownership of what I did to make things happen.

What I Want to Do with This Next:

Continue to not share credit when not necessary, and I need to reference past successes and work (which I consider non-exceptional) but really is great work.

I need to do this as a reminder to myself of my strengths and value that I add, as well as building my reputation with others.  Ultimately leading to executive presence: Ability to project authority while communicating with confidence and authenticity. 

Playing Big: Unhooking from Praise and Criticism

"Feedback doesn't tell you about you; it tells you about the person giving the feedback" is an utterly powerful paradigm shift for me.

To think of feedback as not a reflection of me or my ideas, but instead, as an indication of what captures someone's attention and what doesn't.  That feedback give us facts about opinions and preferences of those giving the feedback.  That really, someone's feedback does not tie into my merit or worthiness.  To think of feedback in this way completely unhooks me from so much.

Having spent over a decade as a program manager leading cross-functional teams, I'm intensely attuned (too attuned...) to feedback to ensure I understand what different teams need.  In fact, I have fine-tuned and over-developed this skill and realize now that the behavior that made me successful is now preventing me from moving to the next level.

I need to look at feedback as facts about the opinions and preferences of those giving the feedback.  It tells me if I'm reaching the people I want to reach.  It is a source of tactical information, not something meant to validate my self-esteem, ideas or contributions.

Like all information, feedback can be valuable.  Instead of responding to all feedback though, I need to filter feedback in the interest of going fast or even making things easier.  I should only focus on feedback that is strategically useful, improve effectiveness or make things better.

I've often valued the feedback from experts but realize the feedback is only relevant if the expert is the intended audience or decision maker.  If the expert is not the decision maker, I need to filter the feedback based on what the decision makers are looking for.

An exercise from Playing Big is for my current projects, identify who are the people I need to influence or reach in order to be successful?  These are the critical people from whom I need to gather feedback.  Taking this a level deeper:

Before each meeting, I should take a moment to think about whom I am trying to engage or influence.  This is just as important as having a well-though out agenda.

Women (and men) who play big get criticized.  That is pat of doing impactful and visible work.  They are not afraid to rock the boat or care about being liked.  Negative feedback, a bad meeting, a failed idea - they move on.

Realizing that I can, and more importantly should, filter out feedback is incredibly freeing.

Criticism (& in my case, perceived criticism) Hurts...

Only when it mirrors my inner critic.  Criticism that I know is not true bounces off of me.  This demonstrates that criticism is not about the external event but a reflection of my inner critic, which I control...

Th shift is not to become impervious to other people's reactions or feedback, but to become less hindered by it.  To reduce the heightened awareness of other people (the "noisy room" reading too much into everything when frankly, majority of the "noise" has nothing to do with me, but a reflection of what that person is going through at the moment).

If there is criticism that stings, I need to focus on how that criticism mirrors my a belief held by my inner critic and how I can update that belief.

Part of unhooking from criticism is unhooking from praise.  Praise is the cherry on top and feels good, but what is more important than praise?  Being my authentic self and making things better.

Hooked and Unhooked

Hooked	Unhooked
I look to feedback to tell me about my talent, my merit, or the worthiness of my ideas	I look to feedback to give me emotionally neutral, strategic information about how to most effectively achieve my aims.
I assume that feedback tells me something about myself.	I know that feedback can tell me only about the people giving the feedback.
I seek feedback on my work and ideas widely - from whomever I think may have something smart to say.	I seek support from friends and family but gather feedback from a thoughtfully chosen set of people I need to influence and reach in my work: key stakeholders, decision makers, or my inteded audience or customers.
I see criticism as a problem, a sign I did something wrong, or as a failure to anticipate others' reactions.	I see criticism as something that simply comes with playing big and doing important work.
I know that some kinds of criticism hurt me terribly, and I do my best to avoid those.	I know that the criticism that hurts me most hurts because it echoes what I believe about myself, and I use painful experiences of receiving that kind of criticism as opportunities to look at and charge my own beliefs.
Praise is the sundae.	My own fulfillment, service to others, and self-expression is the sundae, and praise is a lovely cherry on top.

Playing Big: Old New Way of Looking at Fear

Along the lines of how eskimos have 50 words for snow to describe the different varieties, the Hebrew Bible uses two words for fear:

• prachad - fear of projected or imaged things, fear driven by the inner critic
• focuses on future outcomes
  
• yirah - feeling that overcomes us when we inhabit a larger space than we are used to, when we come into possession of coniderably more energy than we had before

Yirah

Yirah is something to be leaned into.  It's dissolving a boundary while pachad is the fear one feels within that boundary.

I consider yirah to be similar concepts to be in the 'flow' or 'the zone.'

Playing bigger means taking emotional risks, doing things that expose us to failure, criticism or even attack.

Recommendations to handle prachad: Take a deep breath to clear prachad out and then:

• Tap into your inner mentor
• Invite love in
• Get curious
• Reconnect to your desire to serve
• Come back to the present -> prasad is about the future
• notice your breath, focus on sights, sound

The prasad that shows up in my life is the following fear fact:

Fear Fact	Shows up Like This	Journaling Questions
We are not too good at figuring out what to fear.  We tend to perceive threats where they do not exist and miss threats that do exist	"I'm afraid of embarrassing myself when I'm giving a presentation - even though there is little basis for that fear.  On the other hand, I never feel 'afraid' about wasting time over-preparing for those presentations - even though that's probably a much bigger threat to my career."	What kind of irrational, over-reactive fears invade your consciousness? In what ways do you fear the wrong thing - the dramatic potential disaster rather than the more boring (but more real) threat in front of you?

I disagree that over-preparing is a waste of time...  I'm of the mindset that "luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" but the rest of the fear fact does resonate with me.

When presenting or speaking at meetings, my prasad is that people won't think my idea is a good idea.  They will judge me as not being smart.  I realize this stems from my mother, who could be quite judgemental, and I took it to another level growing up.

Margot Lee Shetterly, author of Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race, recently spoke at a company event and said that the women where hidden figures because they "did not want to stand out for their differences but to fit in to be able to contribute."

I grew up in a mostly white, affluent suburb.  My parents were immigrants, who did not speak much English, who worked many hours and multiple jobs unlike the attorneys, professors and doctors that were in my community.  I speak with an accent, did not see the movie ET or have a Benetton sweatshirt as a child.

I remember one elementary school music class where the music teacher asked kids to stand up if they hadn't seen ET, which had just come out.  Me and one other girl stood up.  The other girl was blonde, whose parents were hippies and did not believe in letting their children watch TV or movies.  Like me, she was a misfit.

By the time I reached high school, I leaned how not to be a misfit by blending in, not standing out.  One of my high school friends asked me once why I cared so much about what other people thought.  I couldn't put my finger on it back then, but now realize it's something I've carried for way too long. 

Due to my ethnicity & my upbringing, I have always been different from my co-workers and even my friends.

I have learned to deal with my prachad when forced to.  When giving presentations, running meetings.  However, when I'm not forced to (i.e. speaking up in meetings) I tend to revert back to fitting in the background, not standing out.  The fear always is that my idea will not be a good idea.  Instead of realizing that not everyone will always have great ideas all the time, I take not having an idea accepted that I'm a misfit again.

That something I think is a good idea will not be perceived so by others not because it just may not be a good idea, but instead, that I don't fit in, that I don't think like other people do, which I don't.

As I'm writing this, I realize it's all a bit circular and nonsensical, but something I have always struggled with as part of my identity.

The next time I feel prasad, I will tap into my inner mentor and invite love in.  I will focus on the bigger picture, my desire to serve, to make things better.  I will work to focus on the present since prasad focuses on the future... after many failed meditation attempts, I know I have a difficult time living in the present, being present but will put time aside each day to focus on the present.

I feel yirah when I've successfully given a good presentation (e.g. Crisis Management) or had a really good meeting where key decisions are made, where there is expected resistance but due to the hard work of addressing concerns, producing results/data and being able to articulate the path forward (e.g. Return to Office).

The next time I experience yirah, I will remind myself that no one knows the answer, that we're all figuring things out as we go along.  That I've had lots of moments of yirah throughout my career and these experiences have earned my place at the table.

Ultimately, it's ok that I never watched ET when everyone else did.  That when I did finally see it, it didn't leave much of an impression on me anyway...