Playing Big: Unhooking from Praise and Criticism

"Feedback doesn't tell you about you; it tells you about the person giving the feedback" is an utterly powerful paradigm shift for me.

To think of feedback as not a reflection of me or my ideas, but instead, as an indication of what captures someone's attention and what doesn't.  That feedback give us facts about opinions and preferences of those giving the feedback.  That really, someone's feedback does not tie into my merit or worthiness.  To think of feedback in this way completely unhooks me from so much.

Having spent over a decade as a program manager leading cross-functional teams, I'm intensely attuned (too attuned...) to feedback to ensure I understand what different teams need.  In fact, I have fine-tuned and over-developed this skill and realize now that the behavior that made me successful is now preventing me from moving to the next level.

I need to look at feedback as facts about the opinions and preferences of those giving the feedback.  It tells me if I'm reaching the people I want to reach.  It is a source of tactical information, not something meant to validate my self-esteem, ideas or contributions.

Like all information, feedback can be valuable.  Instead of responding to all feedback though, I need to filter feedback in the interest of going fast or even making things easier.  I should only focus on feedback that is strategically useful, improve effectiveness or make things better.

I've often valued the feedback from experts but realize the feedback is only relevant if the expert is the intended audience or decision maker.  If the expert is not the decision maker, I need to filter the feedback based on what the decision makers are looking for.

An exercise from Playing Big is for my current projects, identify who are the people I need to influence or reach in order to be successful?  These are the critical people from whom I need to gather feedback.  Taking this a level deeper:

Before each meeting, I should take a moment to think about whom I am trying to engage or influence.  This is just as important as having a well-though out agenda.

Women (and men) who play big get criticized.  That is pat of doing impactful and visible work.  They are not afraid to rock the boat or care about being liked.  Negative feedback, a bad meeting, a failed idea - they move on.

Realizing that I can, and more importantly should, filter out feedback is incredibly freeing.

Criticism (& in my case, perceived criticism) Hurts...

Only when it mirrors my inner critic.  Criticism that I know is not true bounces off of me.  This demonstrates that criticism is not about the external event but a reflection of my inner critic, which I control...

Th shift is not to become impervious to other people's reactions or feedback, but to become less hindered by it.  To reduce the heightened awareness of other people (the "noisy room" reading too much into everything when frankly, majority of the "noise" has nothing to do with me, but a reflection of what that person is going through at the moment).

If there is criticism that stings, I need to focus on how that criticism mirrors my a belief held by my inner critic and how I can update that belief.

Part of unhooking from criticism is unhooking from praise.  Praise is the cherry on top and feels good, but what is more important than praise?  Being my authentic self and making things better.

Hooked and Unhooked

Hooked	Unhooked
I look to feedback to tell me about my talent, my merit, or the worthiness of my ideas	I look to feedback to give me emotionally neutral, strategic information about how to most effectively achieve my aims.
I assume that feedback tells me something about myself.	I know that feedback can tell me only about the people giving the feedback.
I seek feedback on my work and ideas widely - from whomever I think may have something smart to say.	I seek support from friends and family but gather feedback from a thoughtfully chosen set of people I need to influence and reach in my work: key stakeholders, decision makers, or my inteded audience or customers.
I see criticism as a problem, a sign I did something wrong, or as a failure to anticipate others' reactions.	I see criticism as something that simply comes with playing big and doing important work.
I know that some kinds of criticism hurt me terribly, and I do my best to avoid those.	I know that the criticism that hurts me most hurts because it echoes what I believe about myself, and I use painful experiences of receiving that kind of criticism as opportunities to look at and charge my own beliefs.
Praise is the sundae.	My own fulfillment, service to others, and self-expression is the sundae, and praise is a lovely cherry on top.