I have been reading about this 'breathing' thing for years in books, articles and talks. That a way to calm oneself is to breathe. To take deep breathes to push out the negative energy, to reset. I have willfully, forcefully made myself breathe whenever I have felt unsure about myself.
Despite sticky notes with the word "Breathe" posted all over my work area and Outlook meeting reminders to do so, I have yet to succeed at, or really understand, the power of breathing.
After months of sporadic and futile efforts, I finally DID it and GET it now... Interestingly enough, the breathing wasn't planned out and intentional. It was a tool that I grabbed in the moment.
I attended a Women in Leadership conference and there was a talk about managing one's inner critic and getting to the Compassionate Center. The Compassionate Center is the place inside all of us where we are centered, where we know that we are enough, and where we respect ourselves, as well as others.
We are not One Downing ourselves or One Upping others (by One Downing them). The four steps to managing the inner critic are:
1. Become aware - recognize when my inner critic is taking over
2. Push pause - pause, stop and take a moment
3. Be compassionate - get to the compassionate center: enough, respect
4. Get curious - ask questions, ask myself what is going on
After the conference, I wrote down the four steps and put it next to my desk to remind myself every day of the steps.
I have step 1 down. I recognize when my inner critic starts getting louder. I lose energy, start questioning myself, go into overdrive. I clam up and disengage.
Step 2 has always alluded me.
Then last week, during a meeting, I paused... I was not looking at the four steps, but my notebook, propped open to the four steps, was next to my laptop. I stopped talking, I stopped getting defensive, I stopped going into overdrive.
That same week, I paused again in a meeting, and it felt great. I knew what I was doing, and I had done it again. It wasn't a fluke. Then, when I was pausing, I thought to myself, I should breathe. And, I DID! And it felt great. It felt amazing. It centered me and gave me this energy and power. It got me to the compassionate center. Honestly, it was weird - how something so simple could be so magical.
After months of trying to do step 2, not only did I finally get to step 2, but got to step 3 in the same week.
Glennon Doyle talks about the Compassionate Center as the Knowing. That when she is in a situation where she is unsure, she sinks deep down inside herself to her Knowing. When she is there, there is clarity. She goes through similar steps listed above and says that for the rest of her life, her goal is to shorten the gaps between steps 1 to 4.
The idea that there are gaps in between steps and that I won't get to step 4 all the time has made me reset my disappointment around 'failing'. Realizing someone as centered as Doyle sees steps 1 to 4 as something that needs to be worked on throughout our lives lets me know that it's ok to not get to the compassionate center every time, that it's always a work in progress.
I am still working on steps 1 to 3, with step 4, getting curious, in the back of my mind. I am confident with step 1, getting better at step 2 and a beginner with step 3. Some days, I don't even make it to step 2 or even get on the ladder at step 1... That's ok though, I have a lifetime to work on it.
